I made a stark, and really utterly crappy, realization last night — the only thing on this mortal plane that is going to bring full healing to my recent and sudden misfortune, is time.
No replacement job. No competitive salary, no benefits. No amount of severance. No amount of thought leadership or influence I’m granted — is going to fix this grief.
Don’t misunderstand me — all of those things are nice and good, God-given blessings. I pray for them every day. I have to feed my family, and want to feel fulfilled in the next stop on my career path.
And…
I can’t replace the memories.
I can’t replace the people I worked with, or that unique team chemistry. I can’t replace the mutual regard. I can’t replace the fundraising magic we made together.
I can’t replace the amazing humans I got to meet, and love.
I can’t replace the eagerness I felt to be part of a larger ecosystem that strives for change in the community.
I can’t replace the unique challenges I faced through a very complicated change management process, that I somehow still believe in and would advocate for.
Nothing will replace those things (except Jesus coming back tbh).
Time will help — the scary part is not knowing how much time I’ll need. And whether the grief will be a distraction.
Because I need to move on, even if it means leaving my heart in an old chapter of life.
I just hope it will catch up before too long.
musings of an everywoman 