Tag: family

I was browsing the greeting card aisle in my early 30s when finally I realized just how deep the divide is between me and my mother.

I’m not sure how or why it took so long, but after several consecutive years of feeling physically and emotionally ill in the days leading up to Mother’s Day, the pattern begged for exploration.

I never understood why Mother’s Day was such a big deal. Some people get really excited about it, going all in for their moms.

With the vapid greeting cards donning pink posies and ribbons and vellum and trite turns of phrase.

The brunches. The flowers. The gifts. The groveling.

I don’t know what it truly feels like to be excited about Mother’s Day. I don’t think I can even imagine it. I’ve had no reason to shower my mother with laud and presents and gratitude. The feeling simply does not compute.

Whether she’s meant to or not, she’s caused me harm my whole life. Her lack of presence. Her lack of support despite her unreasonable expectations and demands. Her lack of boundaries. Her vitriol. Her envy.

I am certain that being a mom is difficult, and the mental and emotional deficiencies that defined my mom as a result of her own childhood trauma made her willingness and ability to be a good mom to her kids even more difficult.

It doesn’t help that some subcultures have made an idol out of motherhood. That, by virtue of rearing children, moms are superior to other women without exception. Definitively untouchable; completely impossible to be or do wrong. Perpetually and always to be pitied as the victim of thankless tasks, ungrateful and disrespectful children, and “modern” women (after all, how dare any woman abstain from a life with children).

I question whether that’s a healthy way of looking at the this unique vocation. Admittedly, I also feel a pang of guilt when Mother’s Day comes around and I opt out of family activities. When I don’t send my mom a gift or greeting card every year. Because she can do wrong and has been wrong, and I can’t live life so dishonestly that I parade her around like a saint on Mother’s Day.

I know A LOT of amazing moms — especially those few who were my stand-ins when I was young. I have friends and family who are kick-ass moms. These are women who should be lauded and uplifted and spoiled, because they work hard and love hard. They are reliable and supportive and present. They are generous and sensible and hospitable. And they sometimes do too much (stop doing too much, y’all).

Mother’s Day is a complicated day for me, and can be a complicated day for others, too — in a wide swath of different ways.

So as you show appreciation for the moms in your life this weekend, please consider being sensitive to those of us who — for whatever reason — can’t envision a day of high praise, posies, jewelry, greeting cards, and mimosas.