my street name.
(just kidding.)
i went to the website of the nonprofit agency i just left (was removed from) to get the online donation url for a supporter — and somehow not seeing my face or name or contact information anywhere on the site broke my heart all over again.
i know there will be future “mini-breakages” (i’m lovingly calling them “lil heart stabs” — which, upon reflection, doesn’t sound more loving at all). i’m preparing for them, anyway.
these are the times i’ll be reminded it’s really over:
i’ll get a lil heart stab when they post the job again.
i’ll get a lil heart stab when my successor is announced.
i’ll even get a lil heart stab on monday when i walk into my new job. which, quite frankly, makes me sound like a total ingrate. this is not lost on me.
there will be other lil heart stabs, more of wistfulness and regret when i’ll say, “dang, i wish i was still there.” the wins. the successes. the large and small victories. the growth. it’s not like those things stopped with me. they’ll continue, and i’ll be proud as always — but also wistful.
i just didn’t expect to feel one today. so it’s got me in this vicious cycle of rumination.
“why did this happen to me?”
“where did it all go wrong?”
“what the frick really happened here?”
“was it truly my fault?”
“was i really unhappy?”
“was i really not needed?”
“have i gaslit myself into believing i am a shitty leader and fundraiser? or is that just the reality?”
“what could i have done differently to avoid all this?”
and as i continue to think about it, i don’t think there’s anything i could have done differently. when you’re decidedly unliked by the person pulling the levers of hiring, firing, and promoting — my working theory at this juncture, seeing as how i’ve only a piece or two of the puzzle — it is an inevitability. it becomes a matter of time. it’s one of those things that’s doomed from the start, where unfortunately you don’t know you’re in it, until you’re in it — because your mere existence is the true offense.
and i guess, if it truly was a matter of time, i’m glad it was for doing the right thing (again, working theory with the information i have), and not for something stupid like embezzlement or fraud or doing crimes. or some other Truly Fireable Offense or Misconduct™️.
musings of an everywoman 