When I think about starting my new job at a familiar place — in just about a week jeez louise!!! — it’s kind of like that movie trope where the protagonist is betrayed by their spouse or partner or whomstever (they’re probably a fancy big shot lawyer who got caught doin it with the secretary) so said protagonist goes back to her quaint little hometown, to live in her parents’ basement for an indefinite period of time. Very Hallmark Original Movie.
And thus starts the path of Julia Roberts’ journey of healing and self-discovery.
(The protagonist is Julia Roberts — don’t even lie, we all immediately and collectively thought of Julia Roberts as the main character.)
Editor’s Note: I was reading this blog post to my husband who then roundly cut me off (rude tbh), saying, “No. Julia Roberts would not do a Hallmark Original Movie. It would have be like the Aldi-brand Julia Roberts whose name escapes me right now.
It’s so messy in the beginning and she hates it and she cries every day while taking a three-hour shower.
She opens a candle shop and crusty used bookstore and coffee shop, saves the local library, and falls in love with the dude who never left her quaint little home town, etc, etc. He wears red flannel shirts.
She runs into her ex-husband entirely by accident, who is now engaged at this point to the secretary he was doin it with, but clearly he is unhappy at the decision he’s made and regrets all of the stupid little mistakes he made for 45 years, including all the stupid marital infidelity. He tries to tell her he misses her by telling some weird-ass sob story about how he built model planes when he was a kid and how his dad never loved him probably because he was on business trips all the time.
Surprisingly (this is the most important part of the movie), Clancy’s Julia Roberts cusses her ex-husband out and declares her love for everything about her new life and she “trips and spills her iced coffee all over her ex-husband’s fiancée’s white pencil dress.” The secretary has a look of absolute shock on her face and Casa Mamita Julia Roberts boldly breaks the fourth wall by looking into the camera and being like, “Oh…oops.” Just totally deadpan. It’s so cold-blooded. And she just walks away.
Anyway, then Hometown Homeboy kisses her on Christmas Eve and says, “I know we’re not even dating but I’ve loved you since we were sophomores in high school.”
Winking Owl Julia Roberts is like, “Even with that ugly-ass headgear I had to wear?”
And he’s like “ESPECIALLY with that ugly-ass headgear.” They kiss again, and it’s so gross and awkward.
They live happily ever after and Park Street Deli Julia Roberts realizes her quaint little hometown isn’t so bad after all.
They get married and adopt a golden retriever. They probably have kids.
Anywho, all that to say I need to learn how to make candles right quick.
musings of an everywoman 